My World in Words
Welcome to my blog, the place I try to put my inner world into words, aiming to share wisdom gained through experience, hope, mistakes, and everything that makes life both beautiful and messy.
FYI - Posts will appear haphazardly and on no set schedule other than the one life sets out for me. Things get a little chaotic at times, but I will always return eventually.
When special occasions become hard to celebrate.
After five years I thought it would be easier, but Monday proved to me that I still have a long way to go before the 26th of August will be an easy day for me to get through. I still don't know what to do. Do I tell people to ignore it and then deal with feeling relieved, but also a little cheated and unloved when they actually do? Or do I allow the extra attention and feel infinitely loved and appreciated, but deal with more flashbacks and PTSD symptoms than I otherwise would? It feels like either way at the moment I am left conflicted. That makes it damn hard, because everyone around me wants to just do what is best for me. I'm still not sure how anyone can help or what they should say/not say. Bringing attention to the date reminds me of the trauma, but then someone saying anything other than happy birthday and being cautious around me or ignoring it reminds me that my birthday has been tainted and I am missing out on a wonderful celebration.
Motivation vs Determination
The reason I made this distinction is that I realised motivation is a fickle thing. We applaud people for being motivated, saying they are go-getters and high achievers because they have high levels of 'motivation'. But over a year, month, week, day, or even a single workout, motivation waxes and wanes. If we always relied on motivation to get things done, what happens when you don't sleep well, feel a little sick, an easier offer pops up, and motivation for something that is usually high has bottomed out? This is where if the task is high priority, determination steps in.
My favourite water running sessions.
Here are some of my favourite workouts, all of which I did with a couple of minutes easy either side to make for a 60-90 minute session. I have been doing 60-90 minutes 4 times a week, but these can easily be made longer or shorter by changing number of reps to fit any time/fitness level. The rule I went by for adapting running into the water was to do similar rep times as I would for a distance (Eg 400m = 75-80 seconds, 1km = 3:20-3:30 etc), and whatever the track workout was, I would halve the rest/recovery between reps and sets as you recover quicker in the water and need more time at effort to keep your heart rate high.
That first run back after injury.
The first 30 seconds felt like I was a baby girraffe taking my first steps, and at least in my mind must have looked like it. Then, with each successive 30 second run I found my stride, grew in confidence, and by the third rep the tears were coming. I was running. After 105 days without one of the things I love most in life, I was back. The walks became me just trying to compose myself between bouts of running, and I knew I was getting faster and faster but I was so, damn, happy. Nothing was hurting. Despite the foreigness of it all again, I felt strong, and capable. Everything I love about the movement was reawakening in me.